we're living on the edge

howenchanting @ 2009-12-03T10:45:00

2009-12-03T15:45:00Z

lovelovelovelovelove

lovemyfriends
lovemyboy
lovemylife

exercise?!

2009-11-16T03:02:27Z

I just got back from a run.

WHO AM I BECOMING?

howenchanting @ 2009-11-06T10:52:00

2009-11-06T16:08:19Z

I apologize for the last entry. I forgot how easy it is to be mellodramatic while writing and rereading my post, all I could think about was how whiny and preteen angst-y I sounded. Ugh. That being said, thanks for the comments (PLURAL BECAUSE OF YOU NICOLE :]).

Anywhoodle, today is Friday. Good looks. Break is verrrrrry soon. I'm excited to sleeeeeeeeep, not do work, eat pizza, see some Oneontians and possibly work (I got job as a substitute teacher). I'm not excited to make the long drive home, spend too much time with the fam, not see Mike and miss my Fredonia sights, sounds, and lovers.

I'm also thinking about getting another tattoo...a Shakespeare quote this time. There are many-a-quote I'm considering including:
"so wise so young, they say do never live long" (King Richard III)
'lord, what fools these mortals be!" (A Midsummer Night's Dream...prolly not, but i do love it)
"i see the world but as the world" (Merchant of Venice...my personal fav. Shakespeare play)

God, he just has so many. I won't do it before wanting it a longggg time. I'm not spur-of the moment type of girl, especially with tattoos. There's one quote from Henry V, i think, but I can't for the life of me remember it. I ADORE it though.

I'm rambling.

howenchanting @ 2009-10-27T21:24:00

2009-10-28T01:58:36Z

Since starting school in August, a new and ambitious aquantence has worked his slimy little way into my life. His name? Stress. His game? To ruin my life.
He introduced himself to me with the challenge of new friends, new experiences and a bit of homework here and there. I laughed in his face; really, that's all you can do, sir? I've been exposed to homesickness and hurt like you wouldn't believe. I've been left by friends, thrown up my hurt, and expierenced first hand the awkwardness that is high school. I left everything I know and love for a place I knew nothing about. i learned a language on my own with no help from others all with a smile on my face. BRING IT, I snorted.
Then came increasing amounts of work along with several bouts of sickness and misfortune (a bugbite on my eye, broncitius, a few severe hangovers, some boy drama, A BIRD/DRUNK BRAKING INTO MY CAR and a cold). But still it was nothing I couldn't handle. This is what I expected out of college life - and I firmly believe in taking the good with the bad.
Then stress added still more work, a few bitchy phone calls from my mother, a real-life boyfriend, and continued failure to find a job. At this point I was near tears. How can I battle this monster? All the insecurities I've tried for years to push away (and finally managed) have risen up again, and when trying to deal with everything else, they're difficult to push away. I, even with my slow breathing techniques, pro and con lists and sensible head on my shoulders, was brought almost to defeat. Stress even got a hold of Mike, my most-of-the-time-helpful-boy. Instead of letting me bask in the light of our budding relationship, Stress has pushed mean and insecure thoughts about what he really wants, where we're really going, on me. Stress even prompted him to leave his facebook open on my computer...leaving acess to the adorable profile picture of his gorgeous, indy and cool ex-girlfriend jumping onto his back while he laughs. Really? I mean, COME ON, as if I didn't have enough to think about, I need to be shown pictures of a happiness that has yet to occur for me but already for him. A reminder that she broke his heart, but that they were so clearly once in love that he could break mine to go back to her. But then really got dirty and put the cherry ontop of the the beauitful whipped mound of disator he had created: he created advising week.
So today, I walked into Stress' beautiful little trap, the advising office. Dr. Hanley, my pretty young advisor, was very decitful - all smiles until I couldn't make up my mind fast enough or she disapproved of a suggestion I had. She informed me that I need to declare a minor soon, if I'm going to change to Education I have to do it by next year at the latest or I won't graduate, taking French is not an option for me, study abroad will not happen for another year and then kicked me out because the meeting ran too long. She left me confused with what to do with my life, on the verge of losing my language skill, definitely losing heart and a bit pissed. She and Stress left me feeling more invisible and worthless than I've ever felt before. Confused, I called my parents this evening to discuss what I want to do with my life. The phonecall was long yet nothing was said. I have no idea where I want to live, what I want to do. I don't want to be a teacher, but I feel like I have no options and it's the securist root. And to make matters worse, most of my classes next semster involve ungodly amounts of writing. Thus, I am busy, jobless, hopeless and mostlikely, a failure with no future or a failure with a future I can't stand.

I stayed at the library for some time trying to study for my (late) American Politics midterm tomorrow. None of it will go through my head. I don't remember learning any of it and what's more, what I do remember, I don't know what to do with. The girl who was supposed to help me study stood me up for a boy, so now I'm defeated back in my room, trying once again to make things that won't compute work in my head and eating away my troubles, as usual. It's a sick cycle.

And the day started out so promising too. Don't get me wrong, I'm not wicked depressed or anything, I'm just sick of having the clammy feelings of Stress' fingers around my neck, pressuring me into choices, fucking with my time-management ability and bringing out insecurites I've worked too damn hard to forget.
No, I'll just push my worries out of my head and use a smile as my coverup. Dependable Kristen, always there to talk to, never one to push her troubles on other (or at least, that's what she'd like to think of herself). I can't wait till break, if just to get away from work for awhile. And there are friends I'd like to catch up with, most deff. But I'll miss everyone here like crazy; I think of here more as a home than I would ever think of Oneonta. Sometimes I just wish I could sleep until I was all grown up and everything was figured out for me.

JEZUS STOP COMPLAINING.

howenchanting @ 2009-09-24T10:18:00

2009-09-24T14:19:26Z

if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!

CLAP CLAP

howenchanting @ 2009-09-16T20:43:00

2009-09-17T00:44:07Z

news flash: my mom's a bitch!

howenchanting @ 2009-08-30T14:48:00

2009-08-30T18:48:31Z

oh hai, college, how you doin?

howenchanting @ 2009-07-29T18:25:00

2009-07-29T22:25:45Z

oh baby, baby, it's a wild world.

howenchanting @ 2009-03-24T14:04:00

2009-03-24T13:05:11Z

hakuna matata

howenchanting @ 2009-01-27T15:51:00

2009-01-27T14:51:50Z

i am so

happy. happy. happy .happy. happy. happy.
happy. happy. happy .happy. happy. happy.
happy. happy. happy .happy. happy. happy.
happy. happy. happy .happy. happy. happy.
happy. happy. happy .happy. happy. happy.
happy. happy. happy .happy. happy. happy.

:]

howenchanting @ 2008-09-20T15:47:00

2008-09-20T19:40:17Z

VIVE LA FRANCE

Birthday time!

2008-08-17T15:17:37Z

Happy Birthday Davie Crockett, Mae West, Robert DeNiro and Sean Penn!!

Oh yeah, and me :]

howenchanting @ 2008-08-07T17:07:00

2008-08-07T21:23:22Z

I leave in 19 days. Goodness gracious, it's coming fast. Angela leaves tomorrow! I don't know what I would do if I were leaving tomorrow. Probably cry. I don't know. I had lunch with Meredith, Angela and Rachel a few days ago and we ended up just talking for 4 hours. I think it's really awesome that even though none of us really hang out on a regular basis (well, Mer and I do) we can just sit and talk for hours because we each know exactly what the other is going through.
Oh man I have so much to do. I told myself I had all summer to do everything, and here it is near the end and I have a to do list much longer than I'd like.
I've been buying a lot of music lately. But I've been in a really weird music mood, some days I can just sit and listen to anything on shuffle and be fine and the next I absolutely can't stand listening to anything. I've never been so bipolar in my life. I just bought a few songs by Tim Myers which I really like and I've been contemplating buying Fiona Apple's first album. I'm only hesitant because I'm really picky with my music as with my books. I absolutely can't stand it when I spend a bunch of money on something and it turns out I don't like it. Also because I tend to side with my music and books. What I mean is, if my music is happy go lucky, I'm happy go lucking. If my music is all "fuck you, world", I'm all "fuck you, world". Same with books, I mood with the characters. I kind of think it's funny. Sometimes I'll put down a book during a really depressing part and just act miserable the whole night. I actually feel like I am the person in the book or singing the music. So, since Fiona Apple is so emotional, I'm worried that I'll be even more emotional than normal during my first few rotary weeks. Oh well, I'll most likely end up buying it. I hope it's good. With books and music you're taking a gamble and I hate, hate, hate, abhor losing.
I also just bought this book called "Napoleon's Privates - 2,500 years of History Unzipped". It's basically all these little things in history that no one really knows about and they're all funny and quirky. For instance, apparently, champagne glasses were modeled after Marie Antoinette's boobs (the wide ones, not the long rimmed ones). Also, after Napoleon's death, his physician allegedly chopped off his - member - and sold it. Some guy in Jersey now has it. I just think it's amazing and awesome and that's why I love history. I love that over thousands of years, no ones changed. It's still sex, drugs, booze, power, revenge and pride. Learning stuff like this is what makes me want to study history, it's also why I've always loved it. I just think it's fascinating!

Well, I'm off to do what I need to before I leave (well, actually, I'll probably just browse amazon.com and add stuff to my wish list).
xoxo

Where I'm scared, excited, thankful and a bit angry

2008-07-24T14:49:01Z

So, it's July 24th. That means one month and two days until I am on a plane flying to Paris, France. One month and two days until I get off that plane, and take a train to Compiegne and then a car to my new house and meet my new family. Jesus, it's coming so quickly I can't believe it. And to be perfectly honest, I'm terrified - absolutely terrified. I can imagine so many things going wrong and just not working. What if my host family hates me? What if the kids at school hate me? What if I have no friends? What if I can't do my school work because it's too difficult? And then what about back home? What if something happens to one of my family members of friends? What if...What if...What if...?

Ahh! I'm so stressed! But also totally bipolar about the entire thing. I'll be super excited one minute and then terrified and ready to drop out the next. One thing I'm really worried about is my own insecurities getting out of hand. I mean, we all know I haven't always been the most stable of people, but I do feel like I've gotten myself under control and in a good place FINALLY, after like, 5 years. I'm just afraid that once I'm there, my insecurities will resurface and attack like never before. I'm afraid I'll obsess about not being pretty enough, not being thin enough, not being smart enough, not being "cool" enough, not being fill in the blank enough. I mean, for years I've had these nasty little voices in my head telling me I'm stupid, ugly, fat, whatever and I've finally managed to control it, and love myself, but I'll be in such a stressful position that I'm kind of worried I'll just snap. Then again, everyone says it's a real growing experience and you come back MORE confident than before because you're all "look, I just spent a whole year in a country where I didn't speak the language or know the people...go ahead, try and fuck with me...I dare you". So, if that is the case (and I hope it is), then I'm sure I'll be fine.

What am I talking about, of course I'll be fine. It's only a year.

In other news, a week ago Tuesday, my dad was painting our roof on a ladder, and fell off. The ladder slipped, and he came crashing down, rolled off the roof, hit the banister, hit the trash cans and finally, hit the ground. The result: several broken ribs, several broken vertebra and a punctured lung. It was awful, we thought he was going to die for hours, but thankfully, he didn't., to everyones (including his several doctors') surprise. He's recovering now, and actually doing really, really well considering. We are pretty sure that if the trash cans hadn't been there, he really would have died, as he would have hit the ground straight off. He landed straight on his back too, so in addition, we were afraid he would be paralyzed. I will never, ever, ever forget the sounds of his screaming for help as long as I live. It was the single worst experience of my life. I'm so, so, so, so thankful he's alive. It's actually made me reevaluate my religion.

Man, you should see his bruises.

Annnnnd, that's about all I have now. I had things I was thinking before I fell asleep that I wanted to write about; they seemed very philosophical. I don't remember them now.

Oh, and as a side note: I was recently told (and not really by a reliable source...so it's possibly untrue) that an old friend used to complain constantly about my blogs and conversation being only about myself, and how I was a terribly conceited and selfish being. To that I say (and please note that this is not AT ALL intended to sound bitter and/or bitchy) I'm sorry, but my blog is exactly that - MY blog, so I intend to speak about myself and my thoughts. And as you used to speak solely about your hopes, dreams, fears, likes, dislikes, etc. to me, I thought we had that sort of friendship where we COULD talk about ourselves without being judged, and I didn't realize only YOU could talk about yourself (okay...that might have been bitter). I get overexcited when I feel like someone does care about my thoughts and feelings, and I tend to spill them in a rush. So I'm sorry if I seemed self-absorbed or whatever, I didn't mean to. If anything, I just thought you cared.
Whatever, it's not like she'll read this, or even care. It just feels good to get it off my chest.

howenchanting @ 2008-06-29T21:04:00

2008-06-30T01:07:48Z

CONGRATS CLASS OF 2008!!
we made it :]

ehh

2008-06-24T21:06:06Z

so today i went to the library and then to get coffee with matt downey...again. and tonight i'm hanging out with gavin.
tomorrow is graduation rehearsal...which I heard took 6 hours last year...God forbid
and then we have prom and then real graduation...whoopdi doo...i feel like i'm already gone from the school honestly...

and then on the 30th i go and get my visa...JDLSKUW#()$PJ#@()...very scared

i'm tired
and bored
ehhhh

peace
kzk

sidenote: i found out that an old friend was talking shit about me. i'm mad, but not really. whatever.

howenchanting @ 2008-06-15T14:52:00

2008-06-15T19:20:31Z

I can't believe tomorrow is the last day of high school. It's crazy to think about. Although I do wish I had been more like I am now than I was back when I started...less judgmental, more open and friendly. I think that's part of the whole high school process. You start out bitchy, mean and angry at the world for no reason what so ever and end up having more friends, liking most of the people you used to hate (and at least being able to stand those you once couldn't), and being OK with yourself. I certainly am now. Sure, I still have insecurities, I wouldn't be human if I didn't, but I feel so much more "me" than I did as a freshman, so much more like an individual and a lot more "OK" with myself. I'm not perfect, and no one is, I accept that. When I think about the issues I used to have...especially with weight...like, honestly? My criteria for friends certainly has NOTHING to do with their weight or size at all, and I would hope no one else's did either. I'm glad I finally figured that out.

This weekend was so much fun. I've actually had more fun this past month than I've had in a loooooong time.
Friday, after helping my mom set up for a little dinner party she had, Meredith and I went on a long walk up to Hartwick to take pictures of Oneonta. You know that saying "You don't know what you've got until it's gone"? So true. I've always hated Oneonta and have spent the last four years of my life vowing to get away, and now that I really am, I'm recognizing it's beauty. The hills are so gorgeous, I can't believe I've never realized it before. While on our walk, we had a nice talk about our "breakup" this winter (a period where we just didn't talk at all to each other). It was nice to "make up" even though we hadn't really been fighting...we just spent so much time together for four years in a row, we both just needed a break. And now I think our friendship is stronger than ever. It also helps that we both have a lot more friends individually this year. For so long it was just me and her, and that's fine...but it's nice to be viewed as an individual rather than part of a pair. We're stronger now :].
It was also nice to talk to her about France next year. She's one of the only one who really understands. It just hit me I'm going to be away for a year. A whole year. I'm super excited. But to be honest, I'm scared shitless.
Then, I had to go to a quick rehearsal for the Cabaret I performed at Saturday. Gavin was there and we finalized plans for the "Friday the 13th party" that we'd been planning all week. He took me home, I grabbed some blankets, candles and the Ouija board and we headed up to the cemetery (near the old Burger King) with Meredith. Jenna, Ben and Joe joined us and we held a séance. It was so freaking scary. In the middle, my phone rang with a restricted call...and a message was left. When we listened to the message it was just heavy breathing. I swear to God, Gavin almost cried. It turned out just to be my brother and parents thinking they were funny. They weren't.
It was really buggy, so we left and went to Gavin's house where we hung out with Logan until the wee hours of the morning...with more Ouijaing and scary stuff. All in all, it was terrifying, but an absolute blast!

Saturday, I went to my brother's baseball game where I almost puked it was so hot. Then I went to his soccer game and back home because I had to get ready for the Cabaret. It was the third annual "People of the Rainbow" Cabaret at my church celebrating and supporting diversity, namely gay and lesbian rights. I sang "Don't Laugh at Me" again (as I did the first year) and I thought it went pretty well. Jenna and her sister sang a duet of "100 years) and it was really, really pretty. We also redid the Major General song from Pirates (Jenna, Martin, Krystal, Bendorable, Zane and I) and that went REALLY well. After Zane finished singing, everyone was shouting for an encore...and we did it. Totally unrehearsed but amazing! It was fantastic.

Today, I slept in late (I stayed up really late reading last night I Capture the Castle. It's a great book, I read half of it once and then lost it...and finally reordered it. I absolutely love it. The descriptions and writing is terrific!). Then my mom made us all pancakes for Father's Day, and I just made a chocolate-cherry cake for dinner tonight. After dinner and all that jazz, I'm going to the senior camp out (Nicole, I'll explain since you don't know about it...all the seniors are going to camp out on the football or soccer field tonight before our last day of school...that's kind of it, didn't take much explaining :P). I'm so excited! It should be fabbbb! I just hope no one is stupid and brings "stuff" and ruins it for everyone. If they do, Meredith and I (and everyone who wants) is going to camp out in her backyard instead.

Happy Father's Day pebs and to all the dad's out there. Happy Father's Day Papa...I miss you a lot, so does pebs. We love you and are thinking of you. And to Mr. Fonc's dad...please help him know it's OK today. It's going to be hard for him.

I think I'm going to start doing this journal again. I forgot how much I like to write in it.

Rebelling, compassion, etc.

2008-06-10T16:48:04Z

I'm not a rebel. I never was. I never went through that stereotypical teen stage where I did everything I could to be different. If anything I went with the crowd, not against. I don't really have much to rebel against. I mean, sure, there's a war, there's poverty, there's injustice...I understand this, and I hate it. But truth be told, I don't think it's very affective to sit around and talk about it...it's much better to actually go out and DO something about it. And I understand that as much as I want to help, as much as I want to change the world, I'm only one person. I can help. But I can't fix a world thats been fighting for thousands of years.
That being said, I "rebelled" today. We were let out of school early because of a tornado warning. We were supposed to get out at 12:15, during 6th period. I left at 11:30, instead. Walking home in the hot, hot sun, I felt...I don't know...giddy? It was so exciting knowing that I was doing something wrong, for once. Sure, lots of people left at 11:30 - lunch...but not one of them was goody-do right Kristen King. Not one. It wasn't much, I know...I just missed lunch and a ten minutes of 6th period. But it's the thought, eh? The little pleasures...
And that's not to say I'm now going to become a..."rebel"...not at all. I'm certainly not what would be considered "spontaneous"...I'm anything but. I plan everything, I like lists and plans. It's just that sometimes we need to do something different, something wrong, something out of character to keep excitement and sanity in our lives.
I think the reason they let us out early is to make up for last time. Freshman year there was another tornado warning, and they kept us at school for hours afterward. I wouldn't have minded if they had done that today. It doesn't matter where I am, I can have fun with my friends wherever. I do so love them.

I wish I could express emotions and talk as well as I can write. There's so many things I always find myself wanting to say, but hold myself back. There are so many people I want to talk to, hug, hold and tell that it's going to be alright, not to be afraid. I once saw a girl I didn't know crying in the bathroom, and I didn't do anything. I just walked past her, smiled a little, but averted my eyes. I wish so much I had said something...maybe just given her a hug. If I was braver, if I was more outgoing, would it help people as much as I hope it would? Everyone has problems. Every single person in the whole entire world. And I think that a little squeeze of the hand, a whispered word of comfort every now and then would help people. I'm going to try it. Maybe it won't help. Maybe people want just be left alone. I don't know. I like to think it will be a welcome comfort.

Nicole, I'm really excited for Florida! Only three weeks!!

In which I have several moods

2008-04-29T14:09:44Z

Don't you just hate it when you think you know someone, then you find something out about them, and it turns out you didn't know them AT ALL? It's so frustrating trying to pretend that you don't know what you recently found out and you're still all chummy but the whole time that *thing* is in the back of your mind. It's just frustrating, because I thought I really knew this person, and that we were tight and now I don't even want to be around them. In the slightest. At all. Ughhh. Ewww.
Awkward. So, so awkward.

Other than that...I have a college visit today at Ithaca, so that should be nice. And then I have Kismet till god knows when in the morning. I think this play would be much more fun if rehearsal was at a decent time...you know, before my bedtime. But still, I have Kismet all week (and by the way...I also hate the bitchy comment I got last night...stupid little girl) and then the Rotary Conference all weekend, then Kismet again all week, then the show all weekend, then a regular week and then the senior trip and by that time, school is like...almost over. Wow. No more high school...and I'm not even full of the slightest remorse.

I heard from my country contact last week - I'll be staying in Compiegne which is in the north of France in champagne county :]. My host mother also emailed me last night, she didn't tell me much, I emailed her back and hopefully she will do the same today. I do know that I'll have two brothers (12 and 15) and two sisters (9 and 17) but the 17 year old sister will be in the US while I'm in France.

Mannn. I'm busy and pumped and confused and tired. Woooh. That's a lot for one person, eh?

howenchanting @ 2008-03-28T09:43:00

2008-03-28T13:50:40Z

First and foremost...HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISTEN!!
secondly:
...wtf snowday?
what day is it? let me check my calender...OH YEAH IT'S MARCH 28th...doesn't that mean spring? Huh, I could have sworn...
grrr....and what's more is that as sick as I am of drama right now, we REALLY need to rehearsal...jeezy kreezy. I really just want flowers. I miss them so much. They make me so happy. Just flowers and sunshine and looking out the window of school just waiting for the bell...you know? it's spring fever time, forreal.

whatever.

oh and nicole, i haven't bought a ticket or anything yet, but i am SO FREAKING excited!!! I know it's like, 3ish months away, but I can't wait!! $&*()#$&*()!&(&(#!!!!!

mmmkay, I'm going to go make breakfast or something...I don't know.

on a side note: it deff took me like an hour to write this, because I learned "I've Just Seen A Face" on guitar and my middle, ring and pinky finger are THROBBING right now. Great song though.

howenchanting @ 2008-03-06T07:25:00

2008-03-06T12:27:49Z

I've got this funny feeling in my stomach. And my mind can't stay focused for more than 3 minutes. I've been dreaming quite a bit lately, and really remembering them. And I keep catching myself humming and whistling happy melodies.

Hmmmm....

howenchanting @ 2008-02-17T14:42:00

2008-02-17T19:40:20Z

It's my half birthday :]

Yesterday, I had my audition at Purchase. I think it went pretty well. After, my dad took me into the city and we saw A Chorus Line. Our seats were right next to Zach (Zahc, the "director" sits in the audience and is constantly yelling out corrections and stuff to the dancers)!! It was amazuhzing!! Gosh, and the play was so fabulous. I cried like ten times...my dad thought it was okay, I don't think he quite understood it like I did.

I'm excited for break!! I have to prepare for my Fredonia audtion coming up...

On a side note: I'm feeling more and more like some people are super two faced. They say one thing one day and then go and contradict that...it's rather hypocritical. But hey, who am I to judge, right?

howenchanting @ 2008-02-02T11:33:00

2008-02-02T16:33:07Z

Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom, man made up a story
Said that I should believe him
Go and tell your white knight that he’s handsome in hindsight
but I don’t want the next best thing
So I sing and hold my head down and I break these walls 'round me
Can’t take no more of your fairytale love

howenchanting @ 2007-12-14T13:30:00

2007-12-14T18:28:11Z

I got picked for Rotary

...AND I'M GOING TO FRANCE

:]

howenchanting @ 2007-12-10T13:19:00

2007-12-10T18:22:58Z

...